Complaining is bad or good?

On average, each of us complains-of life, people, circumstances, on ourselves-up to 15-30 times a day. But most often we do not even notice this. What this habit leads to and how to get rid of it?

Sofia always complains about everything around: from politics to the assortment of a supermarket – and her husband can no longer bear it. “I express dissatisfaction, because something upset me, he is annoyed in response, I am upset even more, we quarrel. and so in a circle, ”she tells the family psychotherapist.

The constant expression of displeasure not only violates the world in the family, but also threatens the health of the lover of complain. The study conducted at Stanford University showed that endless complaints lead to a decrease in the volume of the hippocampus – the brain area, which is largely responsible for making decisions and memory. By the way, Alzheimer’s disease also reduces the volume of the hippocampus.

When we complain, our cortisol level rises, and after this is blood pressure and blood sugar level. In the long run, this can lead to diseases of the heart and diabetes.

Complaint of the complaint. It can be useful, constructive and further strengthen the connection between partners

As for the short -term and obvious effect, constant complaints are corroding the relationship between partners, even quite prosperous in everything else, says Gwendolin Seydman, associate professor of psychology at the Albright College (Pennsylvania, USA). “Complaints can very annoy the one who has to listen to them, especially if the one who complains does not do anything to resolve the problem and does not accept the help or advice of the partner,” she explains.

The psychologist recalls that negative events always leave a stronger impression than positive. “Figuratively speaking, the loss of $ 20 is perceived much more emotional than winning $ 20,” she says. – This is true for relations in pairs. As studies show to compensate for one unpleasant episode (for example, offensive words or criticism), it will take at least five positive events ”.

Any negativity deprives energy and exhausts us, adds Susan Haitler, a practicing psychologist from Denver and the author of the book “The Strength of Two”. In addition, the habit of complaining is contagious. If one of the partners is inclined to this, then with a high probability the second, sooner or later, will begin to grumble, the Haitler claims.

If in you are trying to offer to look at the situation in a positive way, this can lead to a conflict: it seems to the partner that he is not heard and supported. How then to react? The best option, according to Haitler, is to adhere to the formula “Yes … and at the same time …” So you show that you hear a partner, and at

the same time offer an alternative view of things.

It would seem that it follows from all that has been said that in family life it is better to avoid any complaints at all in general. But this is not so: complaint about the complaint. It can be useful, constructive and further strengthen the connection between partners, according to the family psychotherapist Adam Smithi.

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